Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Worst Halloween Treat Poll Results

Halloween has become something more than a single night of supreme indulgence into the world of candy that makes Easter look like a healthy snack break. Now people dress up their houses and yards weeks in advance of the single hallowed night. It’s a sociological phenomenon that a community of people on any other day is willing to kill each other, but on Halloween night is happy to give all the areas children free stuff. In an even more interesting way, we (mostly as children) are not fully appreciative of this offering and have gone on to categorize these free items as some of the worst things ever given to us. I went ahead and made that jump to, “worst things ever,” because who ever decided to mix wax lips into a bag of otherwise digestible items did something truly scary to our digestive systems.

Fresh fruit topped the poll of worst Halloween treats, which is interesting to me. I would have guessed the foodies who read this blog could appreciate some free produce. On the other side, when I was a child the fresh fruit never even made it to our hands as Mom swooped down from above exclaiming, “who gave you this? It’s probably poisoned,” because for whatever reason in the late 80’s sick individuals liked to doctor up their Halloween treats in a very demented, and illegal way. The idea of a ruby red crisp apple has never been damaged more than the dreadful Halloween find of a razor blade hidden inside it. I can’t assure you the majority of that fruit was likely safe, but I can assure you the runner up in this poll is something really nasty. I agree that wax lips are the most disgusting Halloween treat ever imagined. I’m still not sure if you supposed to eat them, just chew on them a little and spit them out, or put them in your mouth and forget about any mastication.

John Campanelli of The Plain Dealer put together a list of Halloween candy and what it says about you if you are giving that candy away this week-end. Thanks for the list John.

Reese's Pieces -- You, like this candy, are still trying to live off your hotness in the 1980s.

Snickers -- It's the most popular Halloween treat, making it (and you) solid and safe. It's also -- as your ex proved -- the first to be traded away for an "upgrade."

Milky Ways -- You are a proud procrastinator, because these were the only candies left at Giant Eagle an hour before trick-or-treating. At least it wasn't 15 minutes before trick-or-treating, or you'd be passing out Nestle Crunches.

Apples -- You enjoy keeping a clean house, and that includes washing soap off your windows.

Mallo Cups -- You stick with things no matter what, whether it's friends, family or Burger Chef, RC Cola and the American Motors Corp.

Necco Wafers -- You're a traditionalist: old-fashioned and old school. Of course, that also means that you're just plain old.

Hot Tamales -- No matter how much you say you love them, it's clear: You hate children.

100 Grand bars -- You aspire for a position of power, like, say, a spot on the county commission.

Bit O'Honeys -- You get more than a bit o' pleasure seeing kids picking away at their molars.

Loose change -- You are generous and practical. Also, your spouse is really good at finding the candy-hiding spot.

Kit Kats -- Like this candy, you are a classic, old standby, which is exactly why your ex texts you at 3 a.m. every Saturday.

Blow Pops -- Your therapist was right: Once you get past the hard outer shell, you're kinda soft and gooey.

Mary Janes -- You are the kind of person who knows a good bargain when you see one, like bags of Mary Janes on sale for 99 cents.

Hershey bars -- You've been hurt before, and you're not about to let anyone or anything into your life, whether it's a friend, a romantic partner or simply almonds.

Gummi Bears -- You love all things rubbery, chubby and soft -- as your last dozen choices in dates confirm.

Tootsie Rolls -- You are a bit impulsive, which is why you are passing out these instead of those 98 Snickers bars you ate last night.

Nerds -- 'Nuff said.

Circus peanuts -- You have such a connection with children that the kids in the neighborhood feel comfortable enough to call you Skip, as in "This house? Skip."

Butterfingers -- You are a wide receiver recently traded to the New York Jets.

Toothbrushes -- You enjoy living a healthy lifestyle, which includes lots of exercise, especially those walks to and from the front door as the neighborhood kids enjoy a year of ding-dong ditch.

Three Musketeers -- Your head, like this bar, is filled with a fluffy whipped matter.

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups -- You realize that two great tastes go great together; unfortunately for you, it's sandals and black socks.

Full-sized Baby Ruth bars -- You are a kind and generous soul who sends all your leftover candy to PDQ, c/o The Plain Dealer, 1801 Superior Ave., Cleveland, OH 44114.

1 comment:

Diana said...

I love them wax lips!