Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Thanksgiving Countdown Part 3

Remember as a kid when you read the mystery/choose your way book in which short episodes where capped with notations like, “turn to page 43 if you think Stephan chooses Culinary Arts or turn to page 52 if you think Stephan sticks with Microbiology.”  In this case, if you are going to work Thanksgiving good for you, but piss off if you think we are going to listen to your bitching about it for very long, and proceed to the next post.  For those of us who will be home bodies I suppose you could invest in some of the coming advice, but that is a questionable proposition at best.

Let’s assume the whole working on Thursday thing didn’t work out.  Oh well, time to move on….to the Liquor Store that is!  Going thru this whole thing completely sober is just ridiculous.  Not going to happen no matter how hard you try.  The same thing will happen completely sane of mind sober as if you are totally insane shit your pants puke on the turkey drunk.  That is you are going to get pushed to the limit of mental tolerance before lashing out at some asinine comment followed with a giggle of innocence meant to lower its infuriating potential.  Screw it, grab a bottle, share it, finish it, but for fucks sake don’t poop your grown up diaper.

My personal list of Thanksgiving libation suggestions goes like this:

Dark liquor: Wild Turkey 101.  Also known as where it all started.

Clear/tasteless:  Smirnoff Blue Label 100 proof vodka.  Just cause it has no flavor doesn’t mean you shouldn’t feel it going down.  Beside from here on out it’s all cost comparative.

Clear/flavored: Bombay Blue Sapphire Gin.  Don’t waste any extra money on tonic, get a lottery ticket instead.  This Gin will thank you.

Beer:  Steel Reserve.  Best 22 on the market, don’t taste too bad either.

Wine:  Whatever the wife likes, obviously you’re not going to pick out the right wine!

Well, a trip to the liquor store alone might not fly with the high and mighty but a trip to pick up gravy is the exact double whammy that works for everyone.  Start with, “Honey let me run to the store and pick up some turkey gravy,” and trail off into a low mumbling yet 100% honest “and stop off at the liquor store.  Do you want anything?”  See perfectly honest.  Be sure to bring plenty of cash. No not for the liquid happiness, for the gravy since it will most likely be the single thing you can pour over that whole plate of Thanksgiving meal that might make it slide down your throat with the slightest disagreement.

Almost there, the pumpkin pie is almost in the oven.

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