Friday, November 18, 2011

Thanksgiving Countdown

The countdown has begun for most normal people; one solid week. We are currently being oversaturated with an absolutely horrid bombardment of overzealous Thanksgiving propaganda. Every media outlet is pumping lies into our skulls at a rate unimaginable to most level headed human beings. I hope you have not fallen ill with this sickness and applied the balm provided in my last post recommending my personal suggestions on how to make Thanksgiving 2011 the best of the past year. I’m sure to speak for many of us when I say we have staved off numerable instances of motivation to get a jump on this holiday, but it is the unfortunate reality that we must face now with 6 days and counting so it’s time to get to work.

First gather up those morbid culinary magazines that subconsciously make most of us feel filthy and inadequate. Indulge your guilty pleasure; go ahead and clip out photos of your favorite celebrity chef for their respective shrine then quickly dispose of the remaining few pages. This will make the coming task much easier. Think back to last year, now demand of yourself to purchase far less food overall. Don’t worry about recipes; they will come….preferable stick to the ones on the back of the Stover’s Stuffing, French’s fried onions, and the plastic skin of the frozen turkey. They are most reliable.

If you are feeling guilty that your ‘The Chew’ or ‘Next Iron Chef’ shrine is not up to par as you imagine that the bitch from work has crafted one of greater depth then go ahead and clip those photos from the newly arrived culinary page turners bemoaning the absolute hysterical euphoria your family (dog) will display upon you trying to jerry-rig a meal out of Thanksgiving leftovers. It’s a lie….no her shrine might very well trump yours, but not for long. Rid your life, my life and the life of your loved ones from this scourge once and for all.

That is enough for the first day of preparation.

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